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Week 4 - Arizona Cardinals (3-0) @ San Francisco 49ers (1-2) +4

Come on, you remember the 69ers. We only played them a couple of weeks ago, for crying out loud!

Alright, we'll go back over this one more time for the hard of thinking.

Second-year signal-caller Jeremiah Ricks is the fulcrum, an athletic player with Favre-like arm strength and Ty Detmer-like accuracy. He's throwing at Terrell "Mr. Congeniality" Owens and a load of guys you've never heard of. Rookie Quincy Hamm isn't a cartoon pig, but is the starting halfback, a boom-or-bust sort of runner who's equally likely to get cut down behind the line or take the ball to the house. Their defence is still decent, but Mike Rumph is still starting on the corner opposite Bryant Johnson,  a matchup on the face of it that looks like Tom Cruise trying to guard Yao Ming.

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This town, aaahhh-ooooooh, is 'coming like a ghost town, aaahhh-ooooooh, as the Specials so memorably sang. Admittedly, they were talking about Coventry, a town that on the face of it doesn't have that much in common with San Francisco, but if Terry Hall had ever visited The Park Formerly Known As Candlestick the week that the Arizona Cardinals came to visit, then the issue might have been open for debate.

Honestly. You're only 1-2, you big jessies. It's a good job Arizona fans don't stay away if the team loses a couple on the trot, isn't it?

Still, the die-hards weren't greatly rewarded by a slapstick first quarter that saw a grand total of two first downs. The battle of field-position was definitely tilting our way, though, and to start the 2nd Scotty Player angled a beautiful punt out at the 69er half-yard line, leading to San Francisco punting from their own endzone and giving us terrific field position at the 35. From there, we don't mess about - five runs with Marcel Shipp getting us close, then Jeff rolls out and finds the big guy strolling out of the backfield to open the scoring.

And that's all the excitement for the first half - or until the last two minutes, at least. Trying to level the scores before the break, and facing an Official Down And Distance Of The Arizona Cardinals Jerremiah Ricks is picked off over the middle when his pass goes straight to a spying Levar Fisher.

"That's not how you throw a stupid interception!" shouts Jeff Blake, neatly picking out linebacker Derek Smith. "THAT'S how you throw a stupid interception!" One 38-yard completion to Terrell Owens later, and we're all square.

With only 1:40 left in the second quarter, there's still time for the quarterbacks to add another interception apiece, but no additional scoring and at halftime it's ARI 7-7 SF

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The second half gets off to an explosive start when, on 3rd and 1, Dennis Ericksson outsmarts himself (God knows that isn't difficult) by calling the play-action. Ricks goes looking for Arnaz Battle, barely gets the ball in the same postal district as his receiver and dependable Dexter Jackson grabs his second interception on the day. First down at the Frisco 30, and we need only one play to break the tie - Jeff Blake fires a pass in at slot man Shaun McDonald on the out, completely misses and instead has to watch helplessly as Mike Rumph - MIKE RUMPH! - strolls 75 yards to put the 69ers ahead.

Bloody, bloody hell. ARI 7-14 SF

Aaaah, but if you live by the Rumph, then you die by the Rumph. Johnno flies, Jeff fires, Johnno snags, Rumph falls over, Johnno tiptoes down the sideline, 73 yards, we're all square once again. We go back ahead on our next possession when Brian Westbrook brings a short punt all the way back to the San Francisco 15, from where Marcel Shipp does his ever-popular "he doesn't feel pity, or remorse, and he absolutely will not stop until he's gained three yards" routine five straight times - ARI 21-14 SF

It looks as if the 69ers will strike straight back when Quincy Hamm, Your Farmyard Pal breaks a 21-yard run that's backed up with a 17-yard connection to the self-effacing Terrell Owens. But the run defence stands up on short 2nd and 3rd downs, and following a mid-range figgie we storm right back - 67 yards of a 70-yard drive coming through the air, 49 of those on three consecutive receptions by Macca. It's Johnno who finds a gap in the coverage for the score, though, and with nine minutes left to play we've got a bit of clear air. ARI 28-17 SF

The ensuing drive sees a play that's pretty much emblematic of our defence this season - 2nd and 13, tight coverage sees Ricks hanging on to the ball longer than he really wants to, giving DT Wendell Bryant time to beat his blocker and flush the QB from the pocket. Ricks scrambles right, straight into the arms of Larry Dickerson. Unfortunately, the next play is pretty much emblematic of our defence last season - Owens goes deep, Shawn Springs goes walkabout, 83 yards, sigh. Hamm gets stuffed on the deuce, but San Fran are back within a score.

You might think that it's time for our weekly meltdown, and you might be right - Brian Westbrook continues his education at Butterfingers U. with a fumble on the opening kickoff that gives the Niners the ball back deep in our territory. It takes them 4 attempts from the 3-yard line, but Hamm eventually gets over. This time they try to pass it in for the conversion, but Ricks is foiled by a ferocious pass-rush. Even so, somehow we've found a way to lose an 11-point lead. Nnnng. Three minutes left, ARI 28-29 SF

One drive to keep our unbeaten record, then, and it gets off to a great start as Blake finds Marcel Shipp drifting out late, and Shipp crashes through tacklers to the tune of a 25-yard gain. Plainly afraid of our ability out wide, the 69ers are doubling Anq and Johnno, which allows Freddie Jones to sneak downfield for 15 yards - first down at the Frisco 31, two minutes left.

Realising that their secondary just can't cope with our receivers, the 69ers elect to try and force an error - and God knows Jeff doesn't need much forcing today - by throwing a full blitz at us. Blake stands tall in the teeth of the pass-rush, looks downfield and fires at Anquan Boldin. Ahmed Plummer breaks in front of the receiver, reaches for the ball and... misses! Anq brings in the pass behind him, and with no safety lurking deep Boldin strolls home to put us back in front. Plummer makes partial amends by picking off the two-point attempt, but with less than two minutes on the clock the Niners will need a touchdown to win this - ARI 34-29 SF

Ricks quickly gets his team to halfway, but there great coverage by Springs and Bowden leads to one, two, three incompletions. 4th and 10, a minute and a half to play. Here we go. Three wide for them vs. our dime set, and from the snap it looks like Arnaz Battle has stolen away from Jed Bowden for roughly the first time all afternoon. Battle breaks open and cuts toward the middle, Ricks fires the pass... but wait! Who's that in the short zone? Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No! It's No-Mark!

Barrett makes an adjustment, watches the ball all the way in and grabs Ricks' fourth pick of the day and No-Mark's first of the season and that, my friends, is the game. ARI 34-29 SF, our 100% record this season remaining intact.

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(c) daniel roe 2004